Living With Anxiety

Ok so here it goes, I hope you’re comfy?

I’ve not been posting for a while, I’ve been trying to figure out which direction to go in.

Have you ever had the feeling where you feel a teensy bit lost? When you feel like you should be doing something but you’re not sure what. When everyone else seems so figured out and are all going in the same direction and you’re just, well, stuck? Well I’m exactly in this position right now I’m definitely, most certainly just a little bit stuck… I don’t know if it’s the start of the new year, the weather (it’s so gloomy 😒) or because I’m coming up to be 33 soon. (What a soggy sounding age, it doesn’t even sound appealing!)  Whatever it is it can bloody well unstick itself from me thank you very much!

So I’ve had a think of what my issues might be…

💑 My relationship? Definitely not! I’m happily married to a kind, supportive, handsome man who I wouldn’t change for the world. Alone time has become slightly none existent since son#2 came into the world, apart from grabbing a quick snog in the kitchen or a bit of you know what when we’ve managed to get said son back into his own bed without him waking. We’ve addressed this and know it’s highly important for us to spend a bit of time together, to remember what it’s like to have a bit of fun, it’s like falling in love over and over. Not that we’ve ever fallen out of love, I mean it’s like getting the little spark when he looks at you,

– or feeling a flutter in your heart when he puts his arm around you and he cheekily makes his way down to your bum.

It’s a bit hard to feel that way when you’re both trying to keep up with the kids when you’re out for the day. We can’t wait to organise lots of romantic date nights this year. I’m secretly hoping we might grab a night or two away but don’t want to push my luck!

So great! Wife/Husband relationship sound fabulous, it must be something else…

😗 The way I look? Hell yes!! This bothers the heck out of me, I’m never happy. If I have brown hair I want it blonde, short hair I want it long and vice versa. I know most ladies are like this – I’m a hairdresser by trade so hear it all the time. Since I had my last baby I haven’t got back to the 12 stone I was before I got pregnant. After son#1 I put a lot of weight on, at my heaviest I was nearing 16 stone! It took a lot of time, hard work and determination to get to that goal and was so proud and happy that I eventually did it.

I swore having a second child wouldn’t ruin all of that hard work – it did 😣 When you have your gorgeous little one in your arms and have another to run around after, those first months (or in my case years!) when you’re praying for some sort of routine, when having a shower is a treat, when you’re eating flap jack to try and increase your milk supply (I read it somewhere, for the oats apparently) the thought of a slim me went out of the window.

Now the boys are a little older I’ve been yo-yoing really,

– thinking living off toast and marmite and a banana will get the weight off. It doesn’t… It just makes you so hungry you grab the biscuits or finish the kids’ tea.

Grrrr! Why do I do that every time?!

It’s definitely time to do it properly again and I’m a bit nervous if I’m honest. Last time I had the push of our wedding, this time there’s no goal, well there’s one – to love myself again. I know weight isn’t everything and you should love yourself anyway but for me I find it very hard to, I’m always so angry with myself and I know losing this couple of stone will help me to feel like I did when I reached my goal before.

So that’s one thing on the list, but what else is niggling me??

💁 Work? This is a tough one. I love my job, I have my own business I built from scratch. I’m very proud of what I’ve achieved. Last year was the best year yet! Only I still feel inadequate, I don’t know if it’s because my husband’s wage pays the bills where as I don’t earn a grand amount so can’t put to – pay my way so to speak? He’s quite happy I’m home most of the time to be with the boys, do the school run and being able to see them at sports day and Christmas concerts etc. I just feel this massive pang of guilt when he leaves for work in the morning. I don’t know why I feel this way but I know I’m in a very lucky position and that is what I should focus on.

This is amazing, it’s like I’m taking my own therapy session! 😆 I keep things bottled up way too often, I’m sure there’s a lot of men and women who do the same. I get to a point where it all gets to much and I end up in a crazy blubbering mess trying to tell my husband between sobs and catching a breath why I’m upset. Most of the time I don’t even know myself.

You know, I’m not sure exactly why I’ve started writing this, but I think I might just carry on. I may have bored you to tears and you’ll never come back again, it was lovely of you to stop by though – thank you! I think it might help, even just a little, when you feel like you’re lost and your mind is a tad broken maybe it’s best to write what you’re thinking.

So here’s to feeling better, to saying what you feel and to making a few little changes to help you not hate yourself.

To have a beautiful life you need to start with a beautiful mind.

Keep smiling! 💖 xoxo